Dancing With The Devil: Sobriety Feels Like A Distant Dream

Each morning brings fresh resolve that crumbles by evening. My devil doesn’t need sophisticated tricks anymore. A simple tug of familiar strings sends me spiraling toward another drink. Like a skilled manipulator this voice knows exactly when to strike. The harder I fight the stronger it becomes until resistance feels pointless. Seneca warned about this — how continued bouts of drinking bestialize the soul making each subsequent fall easier.

The Puppet Show

The performance remains predictable yet I dance anyway. That first drink promises relief but delivers torture as my stomach churns and mind clouds. Still I continue. The puppet master pulls those practised strings, and I follow — knowing the outcome, dreading the aftermath yet unable or unwilling to resist. Each morning brings shame each evening brings surrender. The cycle continues unbroken despite understanding its destructive nature.

Cutting the strings (or trying to)

They say we control our choices but sometimes that feels like a cruel joke. How many mornings have I sworn “never again” only to find myself reaching for another bottle? The guilt rises in my throat like bile yet instead of letting that feeling guide me toward change I drown it in more alcohol. Each failed attempt at sobriety adds another layer of shame making the next attempt feel even more impossible.

New Choreography

Success requires setting clear standards — I know this intellectually. But knowledge without action becomes another form of self-torture. Each morning brings opportunities to write new scripts yet I keep choosing the familiar performance. The pleasure I seek through drinking inevitably transforms into punishment creating a cycle of self-loathing that feels impossible to break.

Daily Practice (and Daily Failures)

Our minds deserve protection from self-inflicted damage but mine feels beyond saving. Through repeated surrenders to this addiction my resolve weakens further. Each failure compounds making the next attempt feel more daunting. The calamities caused by drunkenness extend beyond personal suffering, affecting relationships, work, and self-worth.

Finding Freedom

Liberation seems like a fantasy when caught in this cycle. The Stoics speak of self-control and clarity but these concepts feel distant when facing another evening of temptation. Yet somewhere beneath the shame and failure a tiny voice whispers about possibility. Perhaps tomorrow will be different. Perhaps the next attempt at sobriety will stick.

Sustained Struggle

The devil on my shoulder grows stronger with each surrender yet something keeps pushing me to try again. Despite countless failures, despite knowing the familiar path toward relapse, I continue attempting sobriety. Maybe that’s all we can do — keep trying even when success feels impossible. The pleasure of drinking trips us up, but perhaps there’s something nobler in continuing to fight.

Remember: even in failure, there’s dignity in trying. Through repeated attempts and countless restarts, we might eventually weaken those puppet strings. Our task remains challenging: maintain hope while accepting our current reality. The journey toward freedom doesn’t end — it evolves through both victories and failures.