The Uncomfortable Truth About My Gossiping Habit

I've got a confession to make. It's not easy to admit this but here goes: I'm a gossip. There, I said it. Writing those words feels like exposing a part of myself I'd rather keep hidden. But growth demands honesty, right?

It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I'd just left an AA meeting feeling pretty good about myself. Then boom! I caught myself nattering away about someone else's life. Not in a kind way, either. It was a wake-up call I couldn't ignore.

This post isn't a humble brag or a plea for sympathy. It's a brutal look in the mirror at a trait I'm not proud of. But as the Stoics taught us, "No man is free who is not master of himself."

Let's take a look at this uncomfortable truth, shall we?

The Incident

Picture this: I'm strolling down the street, fresh out of an AA meeting. The air's crisp, and I'm feeling pretty good about life. Then bam! I catch myself nattering away about a mutual friend. "She's just scrambling for attention," I hear myself say. "Always fabricating stories to make herself the victim."

The words tumble out before I can stop them. I'm painting this person as selfish, narcissistic, and a drama queen. It's not my finest moment, to say the least.

As I'm rabbiting on, a little voice in my head pipes up: "If someone gossips in front of you, what do they say about you when you're not around?" Talk about a sobering thought. Marcus Aurelius is whispering in my ear, reminding me to stick with just the facts.

This gossiping lark isn't something I've really noticed about myself before. But this time, it hit differently. Maybe it was the contrast with the supportive vibe of the AA meeting I'd just left. Whatever the reason, I couldn't shake off the icky feeling that followed. It's like I suddenly saw my faults, which I'd been previously ignorant of.

Marcus Aurelius would probably tell me to get straight to doing what nature requires of me and speak as I see most just and fitting — with kindness, modesty, and sincerity. Instead, I'd let my thoughts run wild, adding to my first impressions and creating a whole narrative in my head. Not very Stoic of me, eh?

The Realisation

As I walked home, the weight of my words settled on my shoulders. The supportive atmosphere of the AA meeting faded, replaced by an uncomfortable realisation. I'd just gossiped about someone who might be genuinely struggling.

Shame crept in. I should've shown kindness or at least a bit of compassion. Instead, I'd dismissed someone's experiences without a second thought. It struck me that neutrality was an option I'd completely overlooked.

The walk home was a stark reminder that I'm still on the path to embodying Stoic ideals. Speaking with kindness, modesty, and sincerity isn't just a theoretical concept — it's a daily practice. This moment of self-awareness, while uncomfortable, is part of the journey. I'm not there yet, but recognising the gap between my actions and aspirations is the first step towards bridging it.

The Why

So, why did I fall into the gossip trap? Blaming social situations or discomfort is easy, but let's dig deeper.

Sometimes, gossip feels like a shortcut to connection. It's as if sharing this "secret" information makes us part of an exclusive club. But Epictetus would remind us that genuine connection comes from focusing on our own affairs and not meddling in others.

There's also the uncomfortable truth that gossip can make us feel better about ourselves. By pointing out someone else's flaws or misfortunes, we momentarily boost our ego. It's a fleeting feeling, though, and one that doesn't align with the Stoic ideal of speaking with kindness and sincerity.

The most insidious reason is that gossip can be a distraction. Focusing on someone else's drama is easier than confronting our challenges. We're letting ourselves be provoked by things that don't matter.

The irony is that while I thought I was building connections or boosting my self-esteem, I was moving further away from the person I wanted to be. It's as if I was letting my attention slide, forgetting that today's mistake could make everything that follows necessarily worse. Instead of cultivating wisdom and self-control, I was indulging in unnecessary thoughts and actions, creating needless drama rather than the tranquillity the Stoics advocated.

The Mirror

You know what they say about pointing fingers — three more point back at you. It turns out that gossip is a bit like that, too. It's less about the person we're nattering about and more a reflection of our insecurities and fears.

When I catch myself gossiping, it's often because I'm feeling small or insecure. Focusing on someone else's flaws is easier than confronting my own. We should be directing all our efforts towards something meaningful, keeping that end in view.

The Stoics were big on self-reflection and controlling our perceptions. So, instead of getting caught up in the gossip drama, maybe it's time to turn that mirror inward. What am I saying about myself when I engage in gossip?

Often, it's that I'm not as secure or as kind as I'd like to be. It's a sign that I'm letting my attention slide, forgetting that today's mistake could make everything that follows necessarily worse.

Recognising this is a step forward. It's part of that Stoic journey of putting into practice what we've been preaching. It's not about beating ourselves up but about using this awareness to grow and improve.

Final Thoughts

So, here we are at the end of this gossipy journey. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster, hasn't it? From that moment of shame walking out of the AA meeting to realising I've got some work to do on myself.

But here's the thing: this isn't about beating ourselves up. It's about progress, not perfection. A wise Roman emperor once wrote that we can reignite and restart our efforts to improve at any moment.

What's next? Well, I'm committing to a few things:

1. Pausing before I speak. Is it necessary? Kind? True? If not, maybe I'll keep it to myself.
2. Focusing on what matters. No more getting caught up in drama that doesn't serve me or anyone else.
3. Daily self-reflection. I'll ask myself, "How did I steer away from serenity today?"

But here's where you come in, dear reader. I challenge you to join me on this journey. Next time you're tempted to gossip, take a breath. Ask yourself those three questions. See what happens.

Remember, we're all works in progress. Epictetus, that old Stoic teacher, said we're all "actively forming ourselves".

It's not about becoming perfect Stoics overnight. It's about making small, consistent changes and doing our job today, focusing on what's right in front of us.

Who knows? We might find ourselves a little closer to that Stoic ideal of speaking with kindness, modesty, and sincerity.

How we do anything is how we do everything. Let's make it count.