Unworthiness — August 20th 2024

Short Stature, Tall Order: Unworthiness and Alcoholism

Hey there, fellow travellers on this wild journey called life. Today, I’m diving into a topic that’s been my constant companion for as long as I can remember: unworthiness. And we’re gonna talk about how it led me down a path I never expected.

You know that feeling of not being enough? Yeah, that’s been my shadow since day one. See, I’m what you’d call vertically challenged. A short guy in a tall world. And let me tell you, it’s made me more self-conscious than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Growing Pains: When the World Feels Too Tall

School was a nightmare. Every day felt like I was starring in my own personal “Attack of the 50-Foot Teenagers” horror flick. Early adulthood? Not much better. That feeling of inadequacy became a constant unwelcome companion throughout my daily life.

Social situations? Forget about it. I’d rather have faced a firing squad than a room full of people. My heart would race, knees weak palms are sweaty (this sounds familiar 🤔) , and my brain would helpfully remind me that I was the shortest person in the room. Thanks, brain. Real helpful.

Liquid Courage: When Alcohol Becomes a Crutch

But then, at the ripe old age of 24, something changed. Alcohol became my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one. Suddenly, I had “beer muscles.” I could hold my own in a room. I felt invincible.

For years, I rode that booze-fueled wave of false confidence. It gave me the ability to enter social situations without feeling like I was going to implode. But here’s the kicker: it wasn’t real. It was a Band-Aid on a bullet wound, a quick fix that was slowly destroying me.

What started as a social lubricant turned into a full-blown addiction. I became reliant on alcohol to face any situation that made me uncomfortable — which, let’s face it, was pretty much everything. Need to go to a party? Drink. Meeting new people? Drink. Facing my own reflection in the mirror? You guessed it — drink.

The thing about alcoholism is that it’s sneaky. It creeps up on you like a cat stalking a mouse. One day you’re having a few drinks to loosen up, the next you’re having a breakfast beer, waking up with a hangover and wondering where the last few years went.

I lost friendships, opportunities, and most importantly, I lost myself. The person I was becoming wasn’t someone I recognised or liked very much. But still, the thought of facing the world without my liquid shield terrified me more than any hangover ever could.

During this time, I had a partner who was… well, let’s just say “complicated.” On one hand, they were supportive. On the other, I felt more criticised than a politician during election season. They’d judge what I wore, how I looked. Once, they even suggested I wear lifts in my shoes. Talk about a confidence booster, right?

Then, because life has a twisted sense of humor, I started balding before hitting 30. In my mind, I’d always thought I’d just shave it all off when it became noticeable. But my partner had other ideas. Suddenly, I was juggling medications and clinic visits like a circus performer. I felt humiliated, like I wasn’t enough just as I was.

These feelings of inadequacy buzz in my brain like a stubborn fly trapped indoors. No matter how many times you shoo them away they keep coming back to pester you.

I remember this one time at a bar (cue the “American Pie” theme). Feeling brave — or more accurately, drunk — I approached a girl and said hello. Her response? She laughed and called me short. Ouch. That stung more than a thousand paper cuts.

I wish I could tell you I’ve found some magic solution to these feelings of unworthiness and my struggle with alcohol. But the truth is, I’m still on that journey. What I can tell you is this: taking that first step to get sober has been freeing. It’s like I’ve been wearing shackles all these years, and suddenly, I’ve discovered the key was in my pocket the whole time.

Sober Steps: Rediscovering Self-Worth Without the Bottle

Sobriety is forcing me to face my insecurities head-on, without the numbing effect of alcohol. It’s scary, uncomfortable, and at times downright painful. But it’s also incredibly rewarding. I’m rediscovering who I am without the haze of booze, and let me tell you, that guy’s not half bad.

The journey isn’t over — far from it. Some days are tougher than others. But each sober day feels like a small victory, a step towards the person I want to be rather than the one I was hiding behind a bottle.

Unexpected Bright Spots: Finding Support and Self-Acceptance

And you know what? This journey has brought some unexpected bright spots into my life. Take my current girlfriend, for instance. Now, here’s a plot twist — I actually met her when I was still drinking. I know, right? Talk about a meet-cute gone sideways. But stick with me, this story has a happy ending.

She’s a gem, shining brighter than a diamond in a coal mine. She’s supportive, encouraging, and embraces my weirdness like it’s the latest fashion trend. Can you believe it? Someone who lets me be myself, without judgment. It’s refreshing, like jumping into a cool pool on a hot day.

But wait, there’s more — and this time, it’s actually something you’ll want to hear. She supports my sobriety journey. No pressure to drink, no sideways glances when I order a non-alcoholic beer at dinner. Just pure, unadulterated support. It’s like having a personal cheerleader, minus the pom-poms and high kicks. She’s seen me at my worst, booze-soaked self, and still chooses to stand by me as I navigate this new, sober chapter.

That said, I still struggle with accepting compliments from her. It’s like my brain has a built-in compliment deflector shield. “You look great today!” My brain: “Error 404: Compliment not found.” But hey, I’m working on it. Baby steps, right?

So, what advice can I offer to someone struggling with similar feelings or battling addiction? Take a moment for yourself. Recognise that you’re more than your insecurities or your addiction. You’re a unique blend of experiences, thoughts, and potential. As you get older and work on yourself, you’ll likely find that judgment — both from others and yourself — starts to matter less.

Remember, most people aren’t caring about your perceived flaws as much as you think. They’re too busy worrying about their own. And if you’re struggling with alcohol, know that there’s no shame in asking for help. Sobriety isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

In the end, we’re all just trying to figure this life thing out, one day at a time. Some days we feel on top of the world, others we feel like we’re at the bottom of the heap. But that’s okay. That’s what makes us human.

So, to anyone out there feeling unworthy or battling addiction, remember this: You’re not alone. We’re all in this together, short, tall, bald, or hairy, sober or still struggling. We’re all just doing our best with the cards we’ve been dealt.

What about you? Got any experiences with feeling unworthy or overcoming addiction? How do you deal? Drop a comment — let’s chat! After all, sharing our stories might just be the first step in overcoming these feelings of unworthiness and addiction. Who knows? Your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.

Stoic perspective on unworthiness and addiction:

The Stoics would argue that our true worth comes not from external factors like height or social acceptance, but from our character and actions. Epictetus taught that we should focus on what is within our control — our thoughts, judgments, and actions — rather than external circumstances. Your journey from feeling unworthy due to your height to finding strength in sobriety exemplifies this principle.

Relevant quote:

“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius

This quote reminds us that our true power lies in our ability to control our perceptions and responses to life’s challenges. Your transition from using alcohol as a crutch to facing life sober demonstrates this power.

Practical Stoic exercise:

To continue building self-worth and maintaining sobriety, try this daily reflection:

1. Each morning, write down three things you have control over that day (e.g., your attitude, your actions, your responses to others).
2. Throughout the day, focus on these controllable aspects rather than external judgments or circumstances.
3. In the evening, reflect on how you exercised control over these areas and how it impacted your sense of self-worth and your sobriety.

This exercise helps reinforce the Stoic principle of focusing on what’s within our control, building inner strength and resilience.

Stoic thought for the day:

“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

(while not a Stoic, this quote aligns with Stoic principles)

This thought encourages us to find purpose in our struggles. Your journey of overcoming addiction and building self-worth can become a powerful “why” — a reason to persist and grow stronger each day. By sharing your story and supporting others, you’re transforming your challenges into a source of strength and purpose.

Remember, in Stoic philosophy, true freedom and worth come from mastering ourselves, not external circumstances. Your journey exemplifies this pursuit of self-mastery and inner strength.